Stand in the rain

This is a song by Superchick...This song I can really relate too I have gone through some pretty hard times in my life. Through everyone of the hard times I faced I remember to Stay Strong even when I was at my weakest point. I now that I will be faced with many more hard times I just have to remember to stay Strong through everything.

She never slows down

She doesn`t know why but,

She knows that when

She`s all alone, it feels

Like its all, coming down

She wont turn around

The shadows are long

And she fears if she cries

The first tears will not stop

Raining down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when its all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You wont drown

And one day whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She wont make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself

And the fears whispering

If she stands, she`ll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through

Everything shes running from

Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when its all crashing down¸

You stand through the pain

You wont drown

And one day whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

Day 1 of High School...

Alright so my first day was awful taking the bus was OK i guess the kids that go on my bus are a little weird. They swear all the time they talk about drugs and sex all the time...I have never been around people like this...The school is OK i guess people dont care who`s in the hallways! They will just push you out of there way and not even say sorry! This school is pretty big compared to my old school! The teachers are nice but not as nice as the PHAS teachers. The kids are OK some are weird but there are some nice kids there...I feel alittle out of place there right now most of the grade 10 girls have been going there since Jr high so they all know each other and have groups so that leaves the new kids feeling out of place and alone. Some of the girls are stuck up and don't want anything to do with you!!

It is going to take me a while to get used to everything this is a huge change for me and well i`m not taking so good right now I had Bad Anxiety chest pains today my neck and shoulders where so sore and tight!! I had a headache most of the day...I can home so tired it was crazy!!

The whole day all i wanted to do was go home i didn't want to be there i just wanted to be home away from everyone and all the stress!!

I`m doing OK right now but i know i will have another bad night!! woke up to a panic attack last night that's how bad my anxiety was it was awful i was gasping for air and crying because it felt like i was going to die!!

I take stuff for my anxiety but it`s not working right now so maybe i need to up the dose i guess i will talk to my Dr next week because i have an appt so i will see what she say`s

I didn't get any homework today so that was a blessing!!! but I'm sure tomorrow i will get some we will be starting everything tomorrow.

Well i`m pretty tired so i better go to bed now!!

So Overwheling

I`m starting high school tomorrow...And well the title of this post says it all
Ever since I was a little girl I did not like change I hated change. I have really bad anxiety problems so right now my anxiety is super high. I'm pretty scared of having a panic attack at my new school because I dont know any of the teachers and I'm to scared to ask for help. I had great teachers at my old school they always helped me through them and i had great friendships with all of them. i`m really going to miss my old school, my friends and my teachers. Moving on from that school is really hard for me I`m a very SHY girl and have a hard time making friends because i`m that shy. I have a hard time in big crowds of people i just get so overwhelmed by everyone.

I have to start taking the bus too it would`nt be that bad but there are kids that go on the same bus as me that used to bully me! I`m getting on the bus with my friend Taylor so that makes it a little better i guess...

The first week or so will be hard it will take time to get used to everything and everyone.
I`m a very Strong and Brave girl!! I will Stand my ground!! I will try my best!!

Stress!!!
-Feeling overwhelmed
-Anxious or racing thoughts
-Constant worrying
-Inability to concentrate
-Inability to relax
-Tension headaches
-Stomach aches
-Racing heart
-Chest pain
-Eating less
-Sleeping less
-Nervous habit (nail biting, pacing, playing with my necklace, cracking my knuckles)
Everything on that list happens to me when I`m under a lot of stress!!

Dear Jaden

Dear Jaden,

I miss you so much it's crazy! My heart still feels empty it's like a big hole that will never heal. The first day I met you I fell in love with you I couldn't help but to love you. I miss your big beautiful eye lashes I miss the way you said my name I just miss everything about you. I spent every Wednesday with you I loved babysitting you. I will always remember the times we played hockey all night long. I will always remember the times I read water the farting dog to you. I held you when you where sick I hugged you when you where sad I prayed with you before you went to sleep at night I held you tight when you woke up from a bad dream And i held your hand in the car the day you left. I loved to hear you sing in the car to all your favorite songs. You always called me little tiff you always loved when i had a sleepover with you. Jaden the day you left broke my heart I stayed strong for you on that day I didn't cry because I didn't want you to cry. When you jumped into my arms and Said I Love You Little Tiff Goodbye my heart just broke when i got into the car and looked back at you waving the wall of tears I held back just broke down. I cried with shay we left so lost without you. knowing that I will never see my little Jaden grow up killed me I tried to pull myself together before we got to west Edmonton mall my eyes where red from crying my face was puffy. I spent the night at devin and Tiff's house I went to bed with shay we cried again shay fell asleep but i couldn't so i walked into Jadens room and sat on the floor beside his bed. I fell asleep beside his bed tiff came in and woke me up and said that I could sleep in his bed so i did i went back to sleep later that night I woke up and heard tiff crying I started crying again. when Jaden left it felt like he died because we will never see him again and we lost someone we truly loved. i miss that kid everyday I can't believe he is already 6 years old when I met him he was only 4 years old. He will always be in my heart forever & always i Love You Jaden!!! i miss you so Much it hurts!!!

Chipped Tooth!!!!

Alright so I have a chipped tooth!!

It is driving me crazy...not because of the way it looks but the way it feels it is giving me alot of pain!! One of the worse parts about having a chipped tooth is that I have to go to the dentist!! i hate the dentist because I hate needles!! No Needles No Problem that's what i say!!

I'm have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 1:30 so not looking forward to it...I'm pretty scared about the whole thing to be honesty. I don`t know what they are going to do to me? What if they have to give me freezing? I so don't take freezing that well they just have to keep shooting me with that stupid needle! Last time i went to the dentist i almost fainted from the needle that how scared i am about it!! i guess it does not help to be stressing and freaking out about it.

i have to look at it in a good way keep my mind on the positive parts about going....I won't have the pain anymore if i go! i guess I just wanted to right about it because it make me feel batter after I write!

20 things about me

1. I Love Coffee!!!
2. I have a Big family!
3. I am very shy!
4. I Love making people happy and smile!
5. I am scared of Needles and Spiders
6. I have lost someone I loved
7. I have very few best friends
8. I have 2 cats and 1 dog
9. I take anti-depressants
10. I Love Running
11. I have trouble trusting people
12. I don`t eat meat!
13. I have a heart murmur
14. I get a lot of headaches
15. I want to make a youtube account
16. I don`t Eat much
17. I live on a farm
18. I have a sister-in-law with the same name as me
19. I love watching movies
20. I wear glasses and contacts

Things That Make Me Happy

1. Hugs from friend's
2. Running
3. Nice email's
4. Going wakeboarding
5. I Love when people write me LETTER'S!!!
6. Going out for Coffee with a Friend
7. Taking Picture's
8. My Family
9. Writing poems
10. COFFEE!!!!

Running The Race

Today I woke up and decided to go running. I have not gone running in a Long time!
I was thinking about how far I should run I wanted it to be hard but not to hard.

I decided to go for 6km I started out jogging than picked up the pace to running.

Everything was going good I love that time spent running. I forgot how good it felt I forgot that freedom that running gave me. I got to 3km it was really hot out I felt myself loosing energy.

I did not want to stop yet...But my body was telling me too. I was pushing myself pretty hard. finally at 4.50km I stopped and caught my breath it was so Hot my lungs hurt.

I wanted to give up and walk the rest of the way. I told myself Tiff don't give up keep going show yourself how Strong you really are just keep going! I wanted to give up so Bad though...But I'm a fighter and fight till I finish no matter how hard or how bad it hurts.

I have to show myself how Strong I really am.

I kept running and telling myself I could do it wasn't that long and I finished I felt good.

I was proud of myself for not giving up and kept going even when it was hard and

I felt tired.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in life we are running a race.
That race is going to get hard if it hasn't already been hard.
We are going to get tired
We are going to get weak
We will be faced with huge hills to climb
We are going to want to give up right than and there.
We are going to feel pain physically, Emotionally and maybe even sprightly.
No matter how hard the race is going to get or how it is right now.
Do your personal best! stay strong believe in yourself have hope and faith
show yourself how strong you truly are...It's OK to take a break just remember to get back up and keep going. Life is Hard it is one of the Hardest race's to run.
Things happen in life that can truly affect you...having Hope, Faith and believing in yourself will keep you going strong.
So never give up the race can get easier!

Trypanophobia

me going to give the needle

I have Trypanophobia...some of you know what it is and some of you have no idea what it is?
Well let me tell you what it is....It is an intense fear of Needles.
You are probably wondering how I got Trypanophobia?
Let me tell you how it all started....I was probably 7 years old when this happened it was a nice sunny day out. One of my friends asked me if i wanted to play outside at the dirt hill? I said yes so we went out to the dirt hill and started playing in the dirt. I saw a big concrete rock...to me it looked like a mountain so of course i went over and started climbing on it. My friend yelled to me and said "Hey Tiff be careful don't fall and hurt yourself." I said "don't worry i will be OK I'm great at climbing on things." Just as I finished saying that I slipped fell off the rock. My friend jumped off the dirt hill and came running over to me and said"Tiff are you OK"?
I said" Yes I'm fine it didn't hurt that much" My friend held out her hand and and helped me up off the ground. My knee hurt a little bit so i looked down at my knee and saw that i scraped open when i fell. I said "My knee is bleeding I better go home and get it all cleaned up than i will come back and keep play." my friend said "OK you better go and get that taking care of I will wait here for you". I walked home went into my mom's room and found her talking on the phone she looked at my knee and called my brother to clean it up and put some polysporin cream and a band aid on it. He did what she told him to do...I was up and running in no time I went back to the dirt hill and started playing with my friend again.
A couple days later my knee was giving me a lot of pain so i told my mom that my knee was hurting i showed her it she said"go show your dad that". I went over to my dad and showed him my knee he said"You must be allergic to what ever was put on your knee and it's infected now".
He told my mom to get a sowing needle and to come outside...he said"sit on the picnic table" so i did He told my mom to use the needle to open up my scrap and let out all the infection and get the felt over dirt and tiny rocks my brother left in it.
So my dad held me and my mom started opening up my scrap...It hurt so much that I was crying and screaming. I kept seeing the needle going into my skin every time she put it in i would let out a scream.
They got it all cleaned up and felt it open for a bit I was shaking for a while and said" Never want to look at another needle again".
Ever since that day i have been scared of needles....This last past year i have gotten so many needles I went to the dentist and found out that i had 6 cavities that need filling. That really surprised me because i take good care of my teeth i brush them a lot I have a little bit of an obsession i think. I went back and they filled three on the right side it was awful because i don't take freezing that well so i kept having to get the needle in my mouth.
Before i got the needle I was shaking my heart was beating really fast and load my hands where sweating i was a mess. When i got the first needle it hurt a lot I started to feel really lightheaded and felt like i was going to throw up. My first thought was I'm going to pass out I told them that i didn't feel well they said"take deep breaths and calm down". I tried to but it was not working i was just so scared I got though it without passing out! The second time i went back The same thing happened again they had to put so much freezing in my mouth that it stayed frozen the rest of the day.
I had to get stitches 3 times...The first time I was running in the bushes and tripped on barbwire and cut open my leg so that needed stitsches
The second time i jumped off one of are metal roofs and cut my arm on the corner.
The third time I was cutting carrots and missed the carrot and go my hand.
Than a few months ago i was having some health problems and need a blood test it was my first blood test and the nurse old me to lay down because I have fainted a couple times when getting needles.
Than at school i had to get some needles the first one i got i fainted and the nurses and my friend freaked out. It was so embarrassing I felt so dumb!
So I have had my share of needles for a long time. After getting all of those my fear of needles is slowly going away!
I got to give a needle a few months ago to my teachers son he's diabetic and has to take shots everyday. So my teacher and one of my really good friend where talking one day and my friend had the idea that i should try giving a needle because sometimes that takes away the fear. My friends daughter is becoming an LPN and she is scared of needles like me and since she has to give them her fear is going away. So my teacher said"you are giving you first needle on Saturday". did i mention that i want to be come an LPN when I'm older?

I just got a new camera it is a Canon Rebel eos xs I bought it to church on Saturday with me to show my friend. It was potluck and after everyone was done eat my teacher says its time to give the needle i forgot all about giving it!
We got up and went over to her son he showed me what to do...It was my turn I was shaking and felt sick!
I held the needle and put it into his arm it was so scary the seconds felt like minutes! I started to feel really hot and lightheaded my heart was beating hard i could hear it in my ear I felt like i was going to throw up!
As i was giving the needle my friend was taking pictures with my new camera!
After i was all done i was so pale and shaking bad everyone said"Wow i have never see Tiffany that pale before".
So my fear of needles is slowly going away!
I know someday i will fully get over it but till than I'm living with it!

Tea & Biscuits

I had a tea party today with myself...I made cheese biscuits and green tea.
The biscuits tasted amazing I did a really good job of them! I thought i would try green tea today too...It also tasted amazing!
I sat at the kitchen table looking out the window and sipping my tea...I was daydreaming about taking a trip for my 16Th birthday that's coming up soon here.
I want to do something special for it...I toke a bit of my cheese biscuit " Mmm...Yummy"

started thinking about how my summer is flying bye so fast before i know it i will be starting school...Yuck! I have been gone away from home so much this summer
just been doing a lot of camping...I'm planing on flying out to Kelowna in august if i get a good seat sale...I would be going to see my wonderful cousins there...The only problem is that i hate flying alone it is so scary!! I'm scared i will die in a plane crash!

Just as i was finishing my last sip of tea...A huge wave of tiredness hit me! "Wow where did that come from?" I just felt like going to bed...It was the weirdies thing ever!
I just sat there for a 30 more Min's just staring off into space!!
I was just letting time pass me by!

I'm Addicted...

OK so I have a CAFFEINE Addiction...It all started in the winter of 2008 with just a little sip of my sister in laws coffee...To my surprise it tasted pretty good I ended up drinking half her cup.
Every since that day I have been hooked on coffee...My mom was surprised when I told her that I loved coffee because when I was younger I hated everything about it!

This last past year that's when my addition really started happening. I would drink 7 cups of coffee a day! I just loved it so much I loved the rush of energy it gave me...it just woke me up and made me a happier person. I could not go a day without my coffee if i did i would get headaches and just feel tired! I started having problems with my heart I would get chest pains all the time...it turned out to be from my anxiety and i had a innocent heart murmur. All my doctors said Stay away from Coffee! Soon my friends, teachers, and parents said Stay away from coffee!!!

I did not want to hear them all telling me that! I loved my coffee and felt awful without it...but everyone said to Stay away form it so I did...It was very hard to just stop drinking it like that...I had a hard time I would dream about drinking it and think all the time about it and I got a lot of headaches without my coffee. I tried so Hard to stop drinking some days i would slip and have one cup I would feel so guilty that i did it...It toke a long time to stop having so much coffee i cut back a lot and now I'm down to having 1 cup a week...From Tim Horton's I have a XL all the time well at least when i get the chance too...The important thing is that now i don't depend on it all the time i can go days with out my coffee and still be a happy person.

...Sorry...

I'm sorry your hurting

I'm sorry your in pain

I'm sorry I can't make it all go away

I'm sorry your tired

I'm sorry your weak

I'm sorry your faced with this awful disease

I'm sorry you struggle

I'm sorry you fight

I'm sorry it's you not me

I'm sorry I can't make it all go away

If I could I would make you all better

I would take all your stress away

Some days your OK

Some days your not OK

Some days are harder than others

But remember I'm always here

I will stand by you forever

I will pick you up when you fall

I will hold your hand when you are scared

I will wipe away your tears when you cry

I am always praying for you my dear

I will Love you Forever & Always

I will be here no matter what happens in life!

To my Dear Second Mommy Linda B K

I Love you and I'm Sorry!!

Love your little Girl Tiffany

Sometimes tears have to fall...

In life we all feel pain...Some of us feel more pain than others...Sometimes the pain can get so bad that we don't even know how to cope anymore and start using things to help take the pain away.

Those things can be:

Drugs, Alcohol, sex, Self harm and even suicide..if the pain is that bad

I have felt a great amount of pain...My way of coping was not so good I became very depressed and slept all day long and did not eat much. The pain felt like to much I cried and felt many things...I just wanted to feel happy again I started looking for things to take the pain away...I found that sleeping helped alot because I was happy in my sleep. But when I was awake I felt so sad that I would go numb all over that's how much pain I felt. I would get so scared that I would cut myself to make sure I still felt something...It did not feel that good so I stopped and started looking for safer healthier ways to cope with my pain. I started praying and taking to people about how I felt and soon things started to get better but I still had a hard time with depression and anxiety I would have panic attacks at school and in my sleep. So one of my really good Friends helped me talk to my mom we told my mom that I needed help with the depression and anxiety. She said that she knew I needed help with it so she said i could go see a doctor. I went and saw my doctor he didn't want to give me anything so he sent me to a special doctor and she gave me meds to help with my feelings....Things are really going good now I'm doing pretty good sometimes i still have panic attacks and feel sad but i can control it now.

I have healthy ways of coping with my feelings now I use running as a way of coping it is a great way to just let everything go and just think and feel free.

I don't cry much It is just the way i am...But sometimes tears have to fall it is health to cry!!

Just some thoughts

I have been thinking alot about my new school year.

I'm going into the tenth grade and entering a new school it's going to be a huge change for me. I have been going to a small Adventist school since i was in kindergarten. It has been a wonderful school for me I have had the chance to learn about God and of course the normal boring school stuff. I love how everyone gets along and how the teachers Love the kids and want what's best for them. I have many good Friends there that I have to leave behind but I'm going back to visit them when ever I have the chance. The school only had 35 students and only 3 teachers so that's pretty small.

I'm going to a school with 435 students and well I don't know how many teachers?

It's a pretty big school it's going to be hard making new friends and getting used to a new place. I will feel out of place and lost but I will do my best to stay strong and keep my head up. I only know 2 kids that go to that school. One is my best friend that went to the Adventist school with me and the other is a boy that also used to go to the same school as me.

High school can be hard and can be a very big change for some. It will be for me I'm pretty scared about going! It will be very stressful with all the homework you get I'm not a fan of homework and will never be!

I'm also a bit happy to be going to high school

there are many cool things you get to do in high school like all the sports you get to do! I love sports and being active so that's a plus! They said there is a cross country running team I love to run it is one of my most favorite things to do! So I'm Very happy about that!!

I can also get Tim Horton's cards if the principle See's me picking up garbage around the school so that also makes me very happy! I Love Coffee I could drink it all day long but that would not be to healthy!

I guess there are Good's and Bad's about going to high school all I can say is Stay Strong keep your head up and Smile!